The Ballad Of Rum by Peter R Wolveridge

A dog wandered into our garden one day,
A friendly old mutt, didn’t look like a stray.
We never discovered whence he had come,
But we brushed him and fed him and the kids called him Rum.

Now as family members, even dogs must work hard,
So we put Rum on duty next door in our yard,
Bright eyed and watchful by night and by day,
But not much of a guard dog, I’m sorry to say.

He barked at the cats and he’d bark at a toad,
He barked at the cattle outside on the road,
He barked at the horses – so where did he fail?
You see, Rum liked people, and he just wagged his tail.

He liked the yard labour, an amiable bunch.
They fed our dog tidbits and scraps from their lunch.
Rum wolfed it all down, but to our dismay
He seemed to get fatter with each passing day.

Then one night when Rum was laid at his ease,
A burglar crept in just as quiet as you please.
He saw no alarms, heard no siren howling,
No guard dog for sure, there’d be barking and growling.

But Rum was awake and he’d seen him alright,
Delighted with company this time of the night,
He flew through the yard, his new friend to greet,
And his weight bowled the burglar right off of his feet.

The intruder got up and ran off with a wail
And Rum right behind him still wagging his tail.
He departed the yard he’d come in to burgle
Like a champion athlete clearing a hurdle.

But Rum couldn’t jump gates, so sadly instead
He picked up the thief’s wallet and went back to bed.
Next morning the evidence everyone viewed,
When Rum brought it to us, (just a little bit chewed).

Once given the wallet, the police didn’t fail
To capture the burglar and put him in jail.
His confession like wildfire spread through the town,
How a big vicious guard dog had knocked the thief down.

We all howled with laughter when we heard the story,
And Rum was our hero, he was basking in glory.
There’s been no attempts since to burgle our yard,
For everyone knows now that Rum is on guard.